What’s Missing in Education Today: The Skills Schools Expect but Rarely Teach

One afternoon when I was an elementary school principal, a sixth-grade student was sent to my office.

Let’s call him John.

John arrived outside my office door breathing hard, shoulders tight, eyes blazing. His teacher had sent him down because he had become argumentative and disruptive in class.

If I had immediately called him into my office and tried to talk through what had happened, the conversation would have gone nowhere.

Because in that moment, John wasn’t ready to think.

He was in survival mode.

So instead of calling him in right away, I did something that at first felt counterintuitive as an administrator.

I let him sit.

Sometimes five minutes. Often much longer.

Eventually his breathing would slow. His body would relax. His shoulders would drop.

Then I would step outside and say something simple:

"It looks like you're calming down. Do you feel ready to talk?"

Most of the time, he would nod.

Only after he regulated could we have a productive conversation about what had happened in class and what he could do differently next time.

Over time, John learned something powerful.

He began to recognize when his body was overwhelmed and learned how to bring himself back to calm.

That small shift changed everything.

What I Realized

Moments like this taught me something that changed the way I think about education.

Children cannot learn when their nervous systems are overwhelmed.

Yet our education system often expects students to do exactly that.

We ask children to focus, solve problems, regulate emotions, and stay organized all day long — without ever intentionally teaching them how to do those things.

Instead, when students struggle, we often try to manage the outcome.

• Extra time

• Preferential seating

• Behavior charts

• Breaks

These accommodations can be helpful, but they often function as band-aids rather than solutions.

The deeper question is this:

Why are we not teaching the skills that allow children to learn effectively in the first place?

The Skills Behind Learning

When a child struggles in school, the challenge is often not intelligence.

More often, the challenge lies in a set of brain-based abilities known as executive functioning skills.

These include the ability to:

• focus attention

• regulate emotions

• control impulses

• organize information

• shift thinking when something isn’t working

• persist through frustration

  
  

These skills form the foundation of learning.

Yet in many schools today, they are expected rather than taught.

Imagine asking a child to write an essay before teaching them how to form letters.

That is similar to asking children to manage complex emotions, sustain attention, and regulate frustration without ever showing them how.

We would never expect a child to run before they can walk, yet every day in schools we expect children to regulate emotions, focus attention, and manage frustration without ever teaching them how.

The truth is that regulation, focus, and resilience are not personality traits children either have or don’t have — they are skills that can be taught and practiced.

A Powerful Opportunity in Early Education

California’s expansion of Transitional Kindergarten (TK) provides a powerful opportunity to rethink this approach.

TK was designed to give young children an extra year to build the foundational skills that prepare them for school. But those foundations are not just academic.

The real foundations of learning include things like emotional regulation, attention, body awareness, and the ability to recover from frustration.

Imagine if early education truly focused on these skills first.

Imagine classrooms where young children were intentionally taught how their brains and bodies work, how to calm themselves when they feel overwhelmed, and how to focus their attention when it wanders.

When we build these foundations early, academics become easier. Children are not just learning content — they are developing the internal skills that make learning possible.

The Nervous System in the Classroom

John’s situation revealed another important truth.

Learning is deeply connected to the state of the nervous system.

When a child feels safe and calm, the brain is open to learning.

But when a child feels threatened, overwhelmed, or embarrassed, the brain shifts into protection mode.

In that state, the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning and problem-solving temporarily go offline.

A dysregulated brain is not being defiant.

It is simply trying to survive.

Teachers Are Under the Same Stress

Students are not the only ones experiencing pressure.

Teachers today are balancing enormous demands:

• large class sizes

• academic standards and testing pressure

• behavioral challenges

• increasing paperwork and accountability requirements

Many teachers are operating under constant stress.

And here is something fascinating about the human brain:

Nervous systems communicate with each other.

Children instinctively read the emotional state of the adults around them. If the adult in the room is tense, rushed, or overwhelmed, students often absorb that energy.

This creates a cycle that many educators recognize:

Teacher stress → Student dysregulation → Classroom disruption → More teacher stress

It is not a failure of teachers.

It is a system that rarely supports the well-being of the people inside it.

What a Healthy School Could Look Like

If we redesigned education around how children’s brains actually develop, schools might look very different.

In a healthier model of education, we would intentionally teach students how to regulate their minds and bodies.

Children would learn:

• how to calm their nervous system

• how to recognize emotions in their bodies

• how to reset after frustration

• how to focus attention

• how to manage impulses

• how to persist through challenges

These skills would not be occasional lessons.

They would be woven into the daily rhythm of school.

Classrooms That Support the Brain

In classrooms designed to support learning readiness, you might see:

• short mindful breathing moments

• movement and balance breaks

• cross-body coordination activities

• quiet reset spaces

• reflection after emotional moments

These practices help organize the brain so that students can return to learning more quickly.

Just as importantly, they teach children something empowering:

You have tools to help yourself when things feel overwhelming.

Supporting Teachers Too

A healthier school system would also recognize that teacher well-being matters.

When teachers have strategies to regulate their own stress and create calm classroom environments, something remarkable happens.

They become powerful co-regulators for their students.

A calm teacher can help calm a classroom. A regulated adult helps children return to regulation.

And when that happens, the entire learning environment changes.

Teaching the Skills That Change Lives

Academic knowledge will always matter.

But success in school — and in life — depends on far more than academic content.

Children need to develop the internal abilities that allow them to:

• focus

• manage emotions

• work through frustration

• solve problems

• and believe they can grow.

These skills can absolutely be taught.

When they are taught early, they create a ripple effect that lasts a lifetime.

Better focus. Better relationships. More confidence. Stronger learning.

The Ripple Effect

I still think about John.

Not because of the times he was sent to my office.

But because of what happened after.

Once he learned how to pause and recognize when his body was overwhelmed, something began to change.

He started catching himself sooner.

Instead of exploding, he would ask for a break.

Instead of arguing, he would step away and come back calmer.

He wasn’t perfect. None of us are.

But he was learning something far more important than any worksheet could teach.

He was learning how to regulate himself.

And once that happened, his learning began to change too.

His focus improved. His relationships improved. His confidence grew.

All from a skill that is rarely taught in school.

A Pebble in the Pond

When we teach a child a skill like emotional regulation, it may seem small in the moment.

• A breathing strategy

• A pause

• A chance to reset

But small moments like these are like dropping a pebble into a pond.

At first the ripple is small.

But then it spreads.

One child learns to regulate their emotions.That child participates more fully in learning. That child builds confidence. That child interacts differently with classmates.

Slowly, quietly, the ripple grows.

The Real Work of Education

Education will always include math, reading, science, and writing.

But the deeper work of education is helping children build the internal skills that allow them to succeed in life.

• Calm.

• Focus.

• Resilience

• Confidence.

When we begin teaching these skills intentionally, we don’t just improve classrooms.

We change lives.

Because the children who learn these skills today become the adults who carry them into the future.

And that ripple can travel much farther than we ever imagine.

Kristi McDougall is the founder of Focus & Flourish Kids, where she teaches children, parents, and educators how to build calm, focus, and emotional resilience. After more than 30 years as a teacher and elementary school principal, she now works to help schools and families teach the foundational skills that allow children to thrive both academically and emotionally.

Kristi speaks to schools, parent groups, PTAs, and educators about practical strategies for helping children regulate emotions, strengthen executive functioning skills, and build the calm brains that make learning possible. If you would like Kristi to present at your school or event, let's connect! kristi@focusandflourish.org